How to Exercise Like an English Major

There are very few things I hate in this world. The first is oatmeal. Second is economics.

The third is exercising.

Think about it—you purposely lift things that don’t actually need to be lifted until your biceps explode and you can’t see straight because of the sweat obscuring your vision, and all for what? To be in even more pain the next day! Who came up with this idea?

 

Throughout high school, I developed several alternative methods of acquainting myself with physical activity.

• Extreme viola playing
• Intensive gardening
• Watching various sports films
• Prolonged Shakespeare reading
• Headstand practice
• Walking to class
• Sleeping in odd positions in order to replicate soreness

Then I went to college.

Within a week of moving to Provo, I realized that everyone, EVERYONE here bikes, runs, hikes, and plays Ultimate Frisbee. Daily. It was like moving to a Utopian Biking Society right in the middle of the Wasatch Front.

What's more, my roommate was an exercise and wellness major--yes, you can MAJOR in working out at BYU. The pressure was tangible: I didn't want to exercise, I had to. The only question was how to do it.

Through my experience over the course of the last two years, I have developed a fail proof method of participating in physical activity for the physically inept.

Step 1: Identify your abilities.

Step 2: Lie to yourself. Blatantly.

For example, you can learn much from this method:

Sarah: Hey, let's wear exercise clothes and running shoes--they're comfy!

Sarah: Great idea! I love sweatpants!

Sarah: Hey, we should check what the weather is like today, just in case sweatpants are too hot.

Sarah: But my computer is off.

Sarah: You're right! Good thing we can just step outside!

Sarah: Hey look! Our neighbor's light is on!

Sarah: Let's go see what she's doing!

Sarah: Wait, why are we walking past her apartment?

Sarah: We really need to check out the traffic!

Sarah:We don't have a car! And why are we speeding up? What--

But by then it's too late. I'm halfway to the Creamery.

Step 3: Take full advantage of your weaknesses (i.e. you total lack of direction).

Step 4: Utilize your strengths.

It's a slow process, but by implementing these simple steps, you too may become a fitness enthusiast extraordinaire.

But then again, perhaps not.